TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're speaking Damascus, the town historically known for ancient tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be incredible. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed from the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the very best. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely away from spot. Built by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A a few-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable h2o. But Sure, sure, let's have One more spot wherever American Adult men can put on robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though earlier negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: provide everyone a collection on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is comfortable electricity," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each and every unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside of a war zone. It really is that he must end working with it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the venture, replied, "You realize, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people today. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping sorts a large Trump head noticeable from Place, a function getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents plus the chin is… effectively, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits after acquiring the developing's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not just hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Attributes


Perhaps the strangest element with the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends may perhaps contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Strategy: "If You Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The ad campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Without end."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "where by's the nearest elevator into the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is previously attracting focus from international traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will even involve:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to see a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel the place my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies propose:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Ultimate Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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